Her Smile
by Hurricane Life
Summary: I watched her struggle. Struggle to speak… struggle to smile… struggle not to show me that she was in pain. I could feel my heart slowly ripping apart… And so I told her… I told her the truth that I have been avoiding for the last years. i dont own iCarly
1. She's Gone

_Sam's POV_

I took a deep shuddering breath. The simple action caused a painful constriction to my chest. I close my eyes. Then open them again. I think back to the reasons to why I am here… Ah… him… I remember when we broke up just during senior year. We broke up because he just didn't want to be attached to somebody anymore… someone like me. We broke up. Years ago. And I'm still not over him. I was never… and I will never be over him.

I blinked a few times at the few memories. Every time I see his brilliant smile. His ecstatic eyes. His deep soothing voice. His soft, comforting touch. All of those. I miss all of those. They were so sweet and gentle. I guess I should be happy that those weren't wasted. Right now… he might be with some other girl. He might be doing the things he used to do when we were together.

The way he whispers my name on my ear… now it's hers. The way he caresses you gently as if you were pristine glass… it's hers. His gentle laugh, brilliant smile, soft, deep, understanding eyes, all of it… hers.

I would've cried at the thought. But I was already too weak. I could feel my end approaching.

Ever since he broke up with me… things have never been right.

My laugh lost its joy, my smile lost its reason, my words came out soft… I tried not to show it. I don't want anybody to see me so weak… so helpless… because that's how I felt. Without you there beside me it was like I was missing something important in my life that I need to function right.

Carly, of course, see right through my façade… Every time I smiled she would look at me sadly in the eyes, knowing that it's fake… every time I slept over at her house she was always there for me when I cried in my sleep… Everything grew black and white.

Right now all of those caught up with me. I don't know how much longer I have left to live. I'm pretty sure it's soon though. I could feel myself slowly giving up. Maybe I could just let go now… it was much too painful to resist. To keep myself in pain… for maybe… just maybe I could get my happy ending. That he would come in and rescue me from my current state. Then suddenly everything would be better in the world.

I sighed… again causing my chest to hurt. I tried to lift my hand but I was just too weak. No, sooner or later I need to go. I don't think I'm strong enough to hold on and fight back what I know is coming. Soon enough I could escape all of the pain of real life.

Escape it.

I closed my eyes and took a deep shuddering breath.

Escape it…

_Freddie's Pov…_

Should I come in? Should I leave? I looked through the glass hospital door of the ICU and see her lying there. Lying there so weak and helpless. I could see her looking sadly at nothing. I could see sadness that was lately etched on her face. I could see her struggle to just lift her hand… Struggle… and breaks me slowly to know that I caused this.

I thought leaving her was the best idea… I thought right then that I needed something more. I could remember the way her face fell when I broke up with her. I remember the broken look she had. I could remember seeing the tears that she tried very hard to contain.

I watched her as she gently closed her eyes. I couldn't make myself move. I didn't know where to go. Should I go in… or should I leave?

I always avoid meeting her after breaking up with her how many years ago. I knew it would make things so much harder for me to see her pained expression every time we see each other. I always wanted to comfort her… to make her smile again. But I just can't. I was a jerk and just turned away and walked out of her life.

I started to go to bars… parties… hooking up with random girls I didn't even know. All of those just to drown away the memory of her smile… her laugh… her eyes filled with so much life… all of those that everybody else missed, too.

I wouldn't go back. I never looked back at her. No matter how much I wanted to. I always thought to myself that I needed this freedom… after all of those times being locked up… locked up by my over protective mother… and then my bossy, aggressive girlfriend…ex…girlfriend.

I didn't want to go back. When I heard that she was in the hospital I just ignored the fact and partied harder. I keep avoiding my senses calling out to me that I should go back… I drowned down the voice telling me that I don't love what I'm doing right now. I drowned down the voice that I was losing the one thing that I really loved.

So what am I doing here? Standing. With only a wall of glass separating me and the one that I have loved… the one that I still loved… and the one that I broke.

I was doing a good job avoiding her. I always thought that it made it easier to get over her if I never thought of her again. I thought it would be easier if I just ignored her… forgotten about her. But then how come I'm still not over her? Maybe it's because even if she never crossed my mind… she was just there. Sitting idly. Waiting… waiting… and slowly withering away.

But how did I get here?

Ah… Carly…

_I was just watching TV when suddenly somebody started ramming hard on my door._

_I opened it annoyed… then I saw who it was. It was Carly… her face streaked with tears._

"_Carly…" I was worried… I wondered why she was here at my apartment crying. Ever since I broke up with Sam and ignored her I ignored Carly too, since they came in a package deal. It has been years… since I really laid eyes on Carly. We barely talk. She was the one who told me that Sam was in the hospital in the first place… and now she's the one to tell me this._

"_Why Freddie?!" She just screamed and started punching me with the tears falling down her face freely._

"_Carly… Wha…" I grabbed her shoulders and she just went limp in my arms. _

"_It's Sam." At the sound of her name my hands weakened and Carly fell into the floor. Sam… "She's dying Freddie. I don't think she could hold on any longer."_

"_Why… why are you telling me this?" I stuttered._

"_Freddie… She needs you Freddie. You should try standing in my place Freddie! Seeing your best friend slowly turn into an empty shell. Crying in the night, screaming your name. Seeing her at the hospital… all weak and broken… muttering your name. Try… imagining… that your best friend… wouldn't even be there to see your wedding. Won't even be there to be with you when you get your first child… won't even be there for the rest of your life. Try… Imagining that… Freddie…" She chocked… she sobbed… I tried so hard to comfort her._

_But to my feeble attempt she just glared at me and stood up._

"_Why are you even comforting me?! It's not me who needs you! It's not me who's been needing you for the last couple of years!! It's not me who is slowly being ripped to shreds until she no longer exists! It's not me who needs you to at least make an effort to put me back together again! It's Sam, Freddie!!! It's Sam!!!" She stood up firmly and slapped me across the face. Hard. "I don't think I even know you anymore." And with that she left._

_One the door shut, everything she said came crashing down to me… finally sinking in… Sam… My Sam… Is… Dying…_

I sobbed. I don't know how long I have been standing here in front of the glass… watching her… It could have been minutes… hours… days… weeks… years…

I slowly take a step forward. My legs feel so stiff from maintaining the position I've held for so long…

I took a deep breath and finally opened the door.

It was like walking into a dreaded dream. You could hear the monitor beeping in a steady beat. And as you walk closer you could hear her struggling breaths. You walk a little more closer and you could see her more clearly.

You could see that she was chalky and pallid, you could see that the life was slowly being drained from her, you could see that she was struggling… you could see that she was in pain.

"Fr... *gasp*…e…*gasp*…d…d…ie…" She gasped out and let out a small cry.

I could feel my heart breaking just watching her. I slowly reached out my hand and grabbed hers. Once I held on to it I could see her body relax. It must have been so long since anybody has visited her. I started to rub small circles at her hand and I could remember all the times that I used to this when I comforted her. Back when we were still together… back from when she was happy… glowing… and full of life.

"Sam…" I muttered. I could see her eyes slowly flutter and start to open.

_Sam's POV_

"Sam…" I heard his soft voice. At first I thought I was dreaming. But then I felt his soft hand on mine… rubbing small circles. I missed his touch so much. I tried to open my eyes and I was able to open it enough to be able to see him… standing beside me.... and tears starting to form in his eyes.

"D…d…on't…" I could barely speak. I struggled to tell him. I struggled to tell him not to cry. That there's nothing to be sad about… I tried to smile… but I can't… I try to raise my hand to place it comfortingly on his… but I can't.

"Sam… I…" The tears started to fall down his face.

_Don't cry… please don't cry…_ I thought as I desperately try to say the words out loud… The effort was physically exhausting me.

Freddie bent down and placed his face right beside my ear. "I'm sorry, Sam. I so, so sorry."

I could feel his wet tears slide down my neck…

"I love you, Sam. I always have." He whispered before pulling away.

He loves me. He still loves me. I could feel a small smile appear on my face as I my eyes started to close.

I know my time has come to an end… _Goodbye Freddie… I love you._

_Freddie's POV_

I watched her struggle. Struggle to speak… struggle to smile… struggle not to show me that she was in pain. I could feel my heart slowly ripping apart… one by one… And so I told her… I told her the truth that even I have been avoiding for the last years. 'I love you'.

And when I pulled back. I could see a small smile creep up her face. For a second I could see the old Sam in there. The happy, un-broken Sam. Then her eyes started to close softly and I knew what was coming…

I could feel my breath stop… Sam closed her eyes… and soon… the monitor stopped beeping…

I looked at her face. Her smile was still there. Physically she was still here…

But she's gone.

And I was too late. She won't be coming back.

She's gone…

Forever…

From the world…

From Carly…

From her family…

From me…

She's gone.


	2. My Little Cameron

_Freddie's POV_

"Daddy! Daddy!" A little 5 year old girl came running to me. She was the perfect image of her mother. Soft, blonde, bouncy curls, pale skin, graceful posture… but she had my eyes. She had deep brown eyes.

"Hey, Cameron." I said as I scooped her up in my arms. Of course her mother didn't agree with her name at first. Sam didn't feel like naming her daughter Cameron. But she gave in.

"Daddy, mommy and I went to the park today. And then… and then… I met this boy! He was a dork, daddy!" She shouted.

I laughed. "A dork Cameron?"

"Yes daddy! And mommy said that you were a dork too before!"

I heard someone laugh from the doorway. I looked up and there she was. Sam. Her blue eyes were shinning as usual… and she was eating a lollipop.

"Well it's true." She said as she walked in with her usual grace.

""Mommy why do you have a lollipop?" Cameron whined.

"Didn't you get one too?"

"But how come you still have one?"

"Because I didn't finish mine so quick like you did honey." Sam laughed as she rolled her eyes.

"How about you go and play for a while Cameron?" I carefully put Cameron on her feet and she ran towards her play room.

Sam and I laughed at her eagerness. Sam walked towards me and I wrapped my arms around her. I buried my head on her soft hair. My hands tight around her waist. I inhaled the scent of her and savored the feeling of her in my arms.

Suddenly there was frantic knocking on the door. "Freddie! Freddie!!!!"

"You should get that." Sam muttered from beside me.

"I don't want to." I muttered to her hair holding her tighter.

Sam laughed. "You'll have to answer the door sometime soon." Suddenly I was only holding on to nothing. The pounding kept on going.

* * *

"Freddie!!!!"

I opened my eyes. I was in my room. The heavy drapes blocked the light coming from outside so I didn't know if it was night or day.

"Freddie!!!!" Someone shouted behind the frantic pounding on my door.

_You'll have to answer the door sometime soon._ Sam's soft voice echoed through my head.

I touched my face and could feel dried up tears there. Suddenly everything came crashing back through me.

Sam's death. The fact that I haven't left my house since then. My dream of what could have happened if I wasn't such a jerk. I sobbed once.

"Freddie c'mon…." There was one final pound on the door and from the shadows coming from under the doorway the person who was assaulting my door slid down to the floor.

I looked at the side table. There was a picture of me and Sam from junior year. My arm around her waist and her looking at me lovingly. I was giving her a kiss on the cheek then when Carly shot the picture. There were also some of Sam's possessions that she left to me back in high school. Tears flowed down at the thought of her… at the thought of what I lost.

I sighed and stood up. I wiped the fresh tears and opened the door.

Carly was sitting by the door obviously tired. I wonder how long has she been here.

"Hey Carls." I muttered.

"Hi Freddie." Carly muttered looking down. She was wearing a black dress that clung to her body and was up to her knees. She was also wearing black high heels and was sporting a black bag.

"How long have you been here?" I asked her.

"Quite a while." She muttered still not looking at me.

"How did you get in anyway?" I asked her confused.

"Spare key on the roof of your mailbox." She muttered.

Ah. That explains that… but… "What are you doing here?"

"Freddie you haven't been out of your house for days… more likely your room. And… I was wondering… if… you would… at least… go…" She took a deep breath, "to Sam's funeral." Her shoulder's started to shake.

Sam's… funeral. Somehow I don't know if I could do it. Going to her funeral means accepting that she's gone. My final goodbye to her.

I chocked on my breath and Carly finally looked at me. If it was possible she looked as worse… or probably worse than me.

Her eyes were red and puffy, she had bags under her eyes from the lack of sleep probably, and she wasn't wearing any make-up on since they always ended up being washed away by tears… no matter how water-proof they are.

She looked at me with mournful, pleading eyes. I wanted to see Sam one last time. I sighed then nodded. I told her to sit down on the living room couch for a while then I went back to my room to change. I picked out my best black suit and took a quick shower.

* * *

Once I was ready I locked the door to my house and walked out. I rode with Carly on her black Lexus.

We rode in silence for a while…

"Carly, I'm sorry." I muttered looking out the window.

"It's not your fault, Freddie." She muttered. Both of us knew that it wasn't true. It was my fault.

"I'm still sorry that I left you alone to help her carry her burden." I muttered.

She just sighed. "You don't know half of it."

I was guessing that she felt my confusion because she continued.

"When you left she was broken. So… so broken. She only had me and her parents. But then… her parents had a huge argument. They took the blame to why Sam was always so miserable. It was such a huge fight that Sam stayed with me for a few weeks. In the end her parents got a divorce…

Both her parents fought hard for custody for her but she insisted that she would rather stay with me and Spencer. She was turning 18 then. Once she was 18 they couldn't do anything and she decided to stay with us." She took a deep breath. "I always told her to date again. I only said that so that maybe that would distract her from ever being miserable. She was still crying at night… screaming your name… So she started dating again… but only because she wanted me to be happy. But every time she dated it was always somebody who reminded me of you… Brown hair, brown eyes, good with technological stuff, and stuff like that. She never dated anyone for more than a week. Nothing changed at all."

I looked out the window trying not to focus much on how hard her life was.

"She was struggling. She was able to get a good college degree but had a hard time finding a job. She didn't want to burden us, well that's what she said she was doing, so she wanted to move out. I don't know why she got that idea. Every since middle school she already practically lives with us anyways…" She sighed.

I know she's not telling me something… and that she edited a few parts out… but I don't think I could take any more information. I don't think I could talk about her either. I still couldn't accept the fact that she's dead. She's dead. I watched her die. I was there. But somehow I still can't wrap my head around the thought.

I sighed.

* * *

Soon enough we arrived at the place where she will be buried. There was already a large crowd there. Sam had so many friends. Carly and I got out of the car and I froze before we got near the crowd.

"Freddie c'mon." Carly muttered… although I knew she was also nervous.

"I-I can't." I muttered. I don't think I could face all of them. I don't think I could face all of their reactions towards me.

"Freddie… Sam would want you to be there." Carly muttered as she took a few steps forward.

Sam. I took a deep breath and walked towards the crowd. Everybody looked at me as I passed but they didn't talk. They all just averted their gazes back to the front.

The funeral flowed by swiftly. Soon enough we spoke of what we wanted to say for her, about her, and to her. I politely refused to do so. And then we were having our last view at her and handing her our white roses.

I remember walking to her coffin. She was just lying there so peaceful. Her smile was still there on her face. She looked as if she was just sleeping peacefully. Sleeping so peacefully that I couldn't help but bite back my tears.

After we carried her coffin to where she would be lowered to the ground everybody started to leave. Everyone gave their condolences to Carly and Sam's parents, who were both present. Some of our old friends from middle school and high school gave me their condolences too but they sounded so half hearted and forced. I couldn't help but feel guiltier.

"Go on. I'll be there in a few minutes." I said to Carly who was already preparing to leave. She nodded sensing the fact that I wanted to be alone with Sam for a while.

* * *

Once she left I looked back to the patch of ground to where Sam is now. It was filled with flowers from everybody who was there. I went to my knees and looked at it. I let the tears that I was holding back for so long fall free. I didn't know how long I could keep crying. I didn't know when my tears would run out. But I do know that I would never stop mourning for her.

"Sam…" I muttered touching the ground. "I'm so sorry."

I felt a soft breeze ruffle around me and then the sky started to grow a little darker. Soon followed the soft rain that started falling. Then the rain started to get harder and harder. Soon I was surrounded by a thick sheet of rain. Just me and the ground to where Sam is right now. I don't know how long I have been there. But time always seemed to go fast with Sam. Every minutes seemed just like a second.

Suddenly there was something blocking the rain. I looked up and saw Carly with sad, sympathetic eyes and a large black umbrella.

"Freddie, we have to go." She whispered.

I just looked down, hoping that Sam would reemerge from the ground and wrap me in her soft, warm hug.

Soon it dawned to me that that would never happen. It was my fault and now I have to pay for the consequences of my actions. I took another shuddering breath and slowly stood up. My pants were drenched in mud, my hair and shirt were drenched with rain, and my face was drenched with the mixture of rain and tears.

Once we got near the car I hesitated because I was a mess, but Carly just nodded and I got in closing the door behind me. The ride home was much quieter than the ride on the way there. We didn't try to talk until we reached my house.

* * *

"Freddie, I wanted to thank you." Carly said before I got out.

I looked at her curiously. There was a small but honest smile on her face. It was mixed with sadness but it was still a smile.

"You were able to make her smile Freddie. Every one of us tried but you were the only one who succeeded. Thanks for at least giving her the most genuine smile we've seen in years. Freddie… Thanks for letting her die happy." Carly said sincerely.

I didn't know if I should be happy or sad… but I placed a small smile on my face as I gave her a nod and got out of the car.

I entered my house. And sat down by the door. I didn't cry then. But I was still thinking about her. No matter how much I hurt her… she still loved me. Why? Haven't I hurt her enough that I don't deserve her love? She should love someone who is good enough for her. Not someone like me who ended up breaking her so bad.

_Thanks for letting her die happy._

What Carly said stung me so bad. It was like someone got a dagger and shoved it straight to my heart. The sentence gave me both a sense of happiness but it was overcome by guilt and sadness. She's dead. It was my fault. But she died happy.

She died happy.

I couldn't help but beat myself up for what happened. Now Cameron wouldn't exist. Not at all. My little Cameron… The perfect image of her mother but she has my eyes. I close my eyes and think about my little girl. Who should have been my little girl…

I couldn't help but beat myself up by stealing away her life... our daughter's life... Now nobody could see her beautiful smile.

Her carefree smile.

Her entrancing smile.

Her captivating smile.

Her smile.


End file.
